So what

 1.12.2024

The last month for the year 2024 started today. Time flies by so quickly sometimes and sometimes I am so stuck in a minute which feel like forever. Giving birth to my TT left my heart filled with gratitude to so many people around and I will forever be grateful no matter what. I heard about the constant mood swings during pregnancy where I would be in a situation to need other people’s care, love, understanding and support but for me I have to take pregnancy just like how I lived my life since day 1 to 25 years of my life. There wasn’t anyone to rant my emotions or a shoulder to lean on to pour out everything. I was so much in pain during the delivery of my TT but seeing is face was all worth it. I have seen about how hard the post-partum will be will, where one is vulnerable to depression, anxiety or mental break down. It indeed is hard, where I am emotionally so weak that every thing is so hard to take in. However, there isn’t anyone for me to be too sad or depressed. I have to constantly console myself to stay a little stronger and little happier. I could hardly talk without tears and literally everything pierced my heart so much and I was so hurt. There is no one to share those hurtful moments and I can’t even count on anyone for my mental breakdowns. I can silently cry my heart out, console myself to be happy and act all normal. Everything felt so wrong and so hurtful because I was groomed in a way that I should be happy no matter what. Looking back, I could have done so many things so differently that I must be little happier right now. All those stress, anxiety and insomnia, I am dealing it silently and people seem like I have got a very supportive people around like that don’t have to go through a single sadness. Nevertheless, I can relax myself that I can pour my heart out on something where I can get some validations to be not sad. Also being a mother to my TT, I will shower him with all my love and no matter what happens in life, he can grow in such a way that he can look into everything with positive thinking. At least I am glad, he will have me where he can count everything to me. Moreover, motherhood left my heart filled with so much gratitude to all the people who showered my TT with their wishes and kindness. No one believed when I said I won’t be giving birth to another child but unless some major things can change in my life, I don’t want to go through another painful moments in my life. Although I would yearn for a baby girl, my biggest flex is that I have two baby nieces and three baby nephews to whom I will be the best aunty one day. I know there are so many bad habits I have to change in life and when I can become the person I have always wished, I won’t be needing somebody for my happiness. I will be happy on my own and I will be having all the confidence I need in my life.