Is Your Life Worth Living?

 Looking back, I think I was a really straightforward person. I used to be honest and sincere but also selfish and so full of myself. I was always wandering in utopia since I was a child. During class, I expected everyone to be present and complete every task sincerely. When the teacher gave us homework saying they would check it the next day, I hoped it would actually be checked as promised. When we were given other tasks, I hope the ones who are not present will be punished. I wanted to tell the names of those who cheated without the teacher’s knowledge. 

During most of my leisure time, I envied the people in groups because I wandered alone. Each and every one I knew had a close friend but I always got a feeling that nobody can get along with me. I didn’t know why, but most of the time I saw myself talking nonstop in the group and always trying to get the attention of others. I made friends and I lost them, I regretted it and found myself alone again. Was I the victim or the other way round?

I was beaten by the teachers for bunking a class, I was caught by the teachers for cheating in the exam, I was scolded for being girly, I was criticized in the mass saying this and that but when  it was somebody doing the same thing, I noticed  how they got lucky, good mood of the teacher, not enough time, or just verbal warnings. Deep down I felt a world gap between myself and the others. I always felt jealous of others and I was so selfish as well. At times, I cried under the blanket without the notice of my parents and I suppressed many desires, wishes, needs, and wants since I was young. This was what I felt as a 8 years old till 16 years old girl.

With my teenage years nearing their end, I entered middle school. For the first time in my 16 years, I was away from home, with some known and many unknown friends. The environment and my body changed, but hardly my mindset. There are so many things I regret even to this day. Some moments haunt me and some moments, I wished I never existed.

My school life is quite memorable. I finally met some good friends. Even today, we are very close and looking back, she really helped me navigate through my high school life. I have done so many things during my high school life andThe only thing I regret now is that I spent beyond my budget. For the rest, I became much calmer, much more reliable, less talkative, and much more careful. I realized that being sincere and honest is not the best of the best qualities of a person to be included. I replied in a much softer way even when I could have said much worse. 

I enjoyed college and I did not at some point but I must say that college is not too bad. I gained lots of experiences and knowledge while in college but those memories I hardly cherish because I have a horrible part I never want to remember. I never hold grudges, I never make troubles for others and I never talk bad to others but I admit I have hated some and gossiping became almost like a habit. However, I am a little proud of myself that I am evolving, each and everyday to become the best version of myself.

 I have never failed the exams till I graduate from the college and when I was not able to make it through the Royal Civil Service exam, my heart ached a bit and I was devastated not because I couldn’t make it through but because I have let my parents down. My parents, especially my mom, never expect me to fail. After all this is life and luck was on my side, some people who are before my rank want to drop out half way through and I got selected as a civil servant. I was happy and never thought of what is waiting for me ahead and gladly accepted the offer. Now, for the fact that I have three great friends to accompany me in many phases of my time here, I question my choice many times. The fact that I am at least helping some citizens motivates me to work harder but I also feel incompetent for not being decisive and enthusiastic. I try so much everyday to be professional enough to help people because I am confident enough in myself that I will never be corrupted, I will be fair and just at the very best possible. 

One day, maybe one day, I will be writing about how much help I have rendered to the people who have no outside voices. How proud I felt for that best decision I made, or how independent I feel from all the sacrifices I made and how content I am with the people I love around me. My life right now is not really bad, I have evolved so much with many more ahead but what matters in life is perseverance. I am keeping up with it even on the days when I feel like not existing, so giving up is never a solution. Let us keep going till the day we wear the smile of happiness and peace. 

Is your life worth living? Definitely YES!