Everything Ends With Me

As a child, I was pampered and appreciated by my parents. I was an excellent student growing up, and I rarely involved myself in any kind of behavior that would worry them. I used to be the first one to raise my hand to answer questions in class, and I was so proactive that there was a time when 98% of the students voted for me to be their school captain.

There was a time when extempore speeches, debates, and morning speeches were among my interests. I had no fear of standing in front of people and speaking my mind. On every result day, I never thought that I would fail. Instead, I looked forward to it because I was confident that I would pass. I did not fear examinations, rather, I welcomed them. I was always ready for whatever came my way.

I cannot really say that I was a good leader, but I never lost an election. Looking back, I was confident, outspoken, and eager to take on challenges. There was really nothing that bothered me.

However, confidence does not disappear overnight. There were times when I was criticized, looked down upon, and told things that gradually made me lose my confidence and self-esteem. Every remark may seem funny and harmless at the time, but it carries the power to damage someone’s confidence.

My parents always hoped for the best from me, and there was never a time when they thought I would fail. They believed I was perfect and excellent. At the same time, every criticism from friends and teachers slowly changed the way I saw myself. Becoming a leader and being disliked by some people made me lower my guard and believe that perhaps I should never be a leader. I began to think that I was never meant to lead.

Over time, I started hiding myself. Every remark, every expectation, and every criticism shaped my life. The confident child who once enjoyed speaking in front of others slowly became someone who preferred to stay quiet. Eventually, that became my identity.

Now, I don’t like speaking in public. I don’t like being the center of attention, and I never feel confident when I am in a crowd. When I have to do things without being able to escape, I expect the best from myself, and when failure takes over, it becomes hard for me to accept it. Despite everything that happened, I managed to get through school, passing every class and semester with average marks. Still, I was grateful to earn a degree. If not for a bit of good fortune, I might have ended up feeling like a failure, and that would have hurt me deeply even today.

As I grew older, I became accustomed to going with the flow of life. I became comfortable with mediocrity as long as I remained in my comfort zone. I got used to living a life without many twists, challenges, or hardships. As long as I had a stable job, received my salary, and lived a peaceful life, I felt that everything was fine.

Yet a part of me always wanted more. I have been trying my best to change this mindset and these habits. I constantly strive to become the best version of myself. I read books, listen to podcasts, and work every day to improve myself, but I still struggle to embrace hardships, uncertainty, and unexpected challenges.

When I look back, I understand where many of my behaviors came from. Growing up, if I did not listen, my parents would scold me and sometimes beat me. Teachers also had the authority to hit, humiliate, and cane students. Because I was raised this way, I sometimes find myself speaking harshly to others and becoming angry more easily than I would like. But for me, one thing remains intact, I am confident that EVERYTHING ENDS WITH ME.

My child will have opportunities that I never had. I want him to explore the world freely and discover who he is. I want to be the first person he thinks of whenever he encounters a problem. I want to be the kind of mother he can rely on, someone with whom he can share whatever is bothering him without fear of judgment.

I will celebrate his happiness. With every passion, every little idea, and every choice he makes, I will be there, not to criticize, but to support him and help him navigate his way toward his goals.

I will stand up for my child if he ever loses his confidence or if he is harmed by educators or anyone else through public humiliation, shaming, or actions that damage his self-worth. People can change, and mistakes can be corrected in private. Publicly shaming young minds is never the right way to deal with children. If we do that, I believe we are failing as parents, guardians, teachers, or as individuals.

Things have changed. The world has evolved, and rapid modernization is taking place. There are now many agencies protecting young minds, and corporal punishment has been banned. As a parent, I should also evolve toward better things.

I have great respect for educators who dedicate their lives to helping thousands of students move closer to their goals. However, respect does not mean accepting practices that hurt children. Just because I was publicly shamed does not mean I will do the same to my child. Just because I was expected to be a perfect daughter does not mean I will expect my child to be perfect.

I will raise my child with patience, putting him first, respecting his choices, appreciating him for who he is, and teaching him how to navigate toward a brighter future while doing what he loves. I will guide him with kindness, encouragement, and understanding.

The criticism, the shame, the fear of failure, and the unrealistic expectations end with me. My child will not inherit those burdens.

Having said that, I don’t mean to spoil my child or let him go astray. I don’t mean to let him do whatever he wants, nor do I want him to follow the wrong path. I simply want to nurture him with the values he needs, and with the love, understanding, and care he deserves, to help him live a life where he never feels pressured, and to show him how beautiful life can be.