The Silent Struggle of Losing Confidence and Identity

How many of us live life thinking that life is impermanent? Few, I guess. We live as if we have all the time in the world. We are so rude to others, and we talk about staying forever, but when is forever? When does forever come to an end? How long is forever?

Born very sensitive, and as I grew, I witnessed countless arguments. Taught to be tough and rough, I eventually became someone who talks harshly and never wanted to lose. The goal of becoming someone smart, the goal of coming first in exams, the goal of being the leader, and the goal of knowing everything—growing up was never the right path, I guess. I have never been diagnosed with any disorder or mental health issue, but when was the last time I did something sane?

Attachments, possessiveness, and the need to be perfect dragged me so far backward before I could even realize it. Sometimes, I want to blame my parents so badly for raising me like this, but then again, I believe in my mind so much. Irrespective of external influences, at the end of the day, it is us, and only us, who make the difference. From being very sharp-tongued to filtering everything I say, I am somehow proud of becoming who I am today. However, somewhere, things went wrong, and before I realized it, I was possessed, and now I am having difficulty getting out. I always feel insecure, scared, and anxious. I just don't understand why. I have tried so many things, but nothing seemed to work. Some days, it feels right, and on other days, that very same thing feels very wrong.

It is a choice in life that I need to make, but it has been so long that I have given my validation to others and not to myself. I believe it is never too late to start now, and with this urge to become the woman I aspire to be, I hope I never lose myself. Over the last few years, or perhaps a decade, I have lost myself completely. I have chosen the wrong path even when I knew very well what the right one was.

Financial discipline is one thing that I am extremely bad at. I fail to live within my means, and it does nothing but hurt me more and more at the end of the day. My mindset of having to be excellent left me at the bottom, to the point that I don't even have the courage to call my family members or relatives.

Even before I could figure out my life, I became a mother myself, and now I live a life fulfilling my obligations while trying to be the best mother to my son. Nothing has felt better, yet it feels like I am living day after day, trying not to get caught while feeling insecure, lacking confidence, and being at my worst.