Choosing independence again

 

When I was a young girl, I was strong, harsh and at times, selfish. I thought I  knew what was best for me, and I was extremely strict with myself. I always believed I could do better, that I should be better and above all that, I should be independent. 

I could talk back to people. I could make people shut their mouths. I confidently talked about becoming a doctor or engineer. Looking back, I realize I did not really know myself then. I was constantly regretting things I had done and trying to change myself.

I aspire to be independent, getting my own things done, going alone and doing the things without really having to rely on others. However, over time, I have become someone who really needs someone to do something. It just feels so awkward to do my own things alone like going shopping, eating alone or getting a taxi. 

I was waiting for a taxi and I realized why I was not able to come early and get the taxi myself rather than needing my husband to do it for me. I am usually an extrovert and can talk so much but when it comes to asking somebody for directions when I am with people, I really suck at it. 

Instead of being an independent girl, I became somebody who relies so much on others. It was an hour-long journey and for the whole journey, I reflected on myself being so dependent. The scenery was so beautiful but my thoughts went on why I became this dependent. 

In fact everything is not really planned or intentioned that I want others to help me but it was out of habit or insecurities that I have become like this unknowingly. I introspected a lot and decided to be mindful of what I am doing. Actually, I asked my friends for help to drop me off, but today, I came on my own. I was afraid because there was a scary dog on the way and I almost backed it out but I encouraged myself and went on my own. 

My husband usually picks me up from the town but today I said I will come on my own. I got my own taxi and came home.  I also went to the store alone but it made me so awkward that the owner kept tailing me. I know she meant good intentions but for me it was a total awkward. 

Independence is not being strong or harsh or selfish, for me it is self dignity and I guess I have lost it for a while. I will get my own things done and over time, I will get rid of all the awkwardness and I will be me again. Not being a doctor or an engineer but being me, doing my own things, being able to roam alone and not getting upset when there is no one to rely on. 

Going alone will not make me look stray or I will not melt. Having someone beside you doesn't always make one a legend. Alone means solitude and peace of mind.